for 13 years ive been made of stone. nothing breaks me and i dont cry.


these past few weeks have been ridiculous. i find myself wanting to cry every single day. and for stupid reasons. i mean, i guess they make sense but i hate it. and i hate that half the time i dont actually cry i just feel like i need to but i cant get it out. its getting old.


its december. only 3 months until i move. this is so crazy. im so excited and so speechless and hearbroken and sad and happy all at once. any emotion you can fathom... im feeling it.



i have been such a piss face lately because of it. because i dont know how to express myself. the tiniest question becomes an argument.


"hey can i use your phone real quick to call your mom?'
"why cant yuo buy yourself a new fucking phone?? im so sick of you guys!"



clearly an overreaction. bah well... ill pull through. i have awesome friends.

so in case you havent heard yet.... big news...

Im moving back to Mass in March.

yeah i know. throw the confetti. im so excited that i could throw up... but unfortunately at the same time im wicked uneasy about it.
i know this isnt going to work if i dont go into it with a positive attitude but i cant help that sick feeling i get when i think to far into it.

what if i dont have my friends back home anymore?i mean, its been 6 years. people change, people move... i get it.


i know im being overdramatic about the whole thing but if you know me you know i need to see the worst in everything before i can even consider seeing anything positive.

im very happy about this... even though this post makes it seem like im not.

YAY!

just thinking of how much im going to miss my MOM and my FRIENDS and my JOB even.

le sigh.

even though this situation is beyond stressful and draining me of every bit of strength i have i dont regret it. i love helping a friend in need.

and i love waking up every morning with a cup of coffee on the porch with a friend knowing that just my being there is making things better.

hopefully things can only get better from here.

Turns out panick attacks are real things...

I always thought over dramatic people made them up but I was so wrong. That little fucker snuck up on me out of nowhere.
I wasn't even thinking about all my stresses. Too bad it had the worst timing EVER. Having to push a beautiful guy off of my because my heart won't stop skipping beats its no bueno.

And turns out he is not my boyfriend.
Glad I asked just so I know now but upset that I asked because it made me seem dumb. Bah well.


Guess I'm more stressed than I thought. Makes sense what with my major bills and awful living situation. Not to mention I'm still single. Its been 2 years now. I'm used to it and ok with it but I'd like to have someone to run to when I don't want to be home.

I can't believe 2 of my best friends in the world are married. My mind is officially boggled.
Blech. Ef em el.

Time to start being positive so I don't have a heart attack. This will be fun.

Last night he told me the things he likes about me.
Alll I could do was lay there smiling back at him. It was so cute.
I can be myself around him. 100%.
I could have stayed there forever.


I haven't felt like this before. I like it and I may only see him once or twice a week but that time is amazing.
My only problem is I'm not sure what we are.
We haven't talked about it and I don't want to be the one to bring it up.
Chickenshit.

guess what...





i like a boy. and he likes me.




WEIRD, HUH?

Nothing irks me more than fighting with a person that defends Pujols.
it bothers me because he is NOT THE BEST BASEBALL PLAYER! yes, hes got the stats, whatever. thats temporary.. just the way he plays annoys me. seeing him on tv makes me want to eat a baby.

anyone else notice he doesnt catch a groundball? he throws himself on top of it which makes no sense to me.
i dislike his face i dislike his voice i dislike his skills. good thing he is on the NL not AL so i dont have to see much of him.

AAANYWAY.

i am finally working on my master plan to move to Mass. FIANLLY

if i can find a second job i should be living there by April of 2010. woop woooooop.
seems like a long time but i have already waited 6 years so whats a few more months.
it also depends on how quickly i get this lawsuit rolling.

YAY

"you will never leave where you are until you decide where you would rather be"

wow. my life is ridiculous right now.


and a bunch of people seem to not want to be around me lately.

whatever. july 1st cant come soon enough

i wake up the morning after the best night of my entire life and i feel like crap.
normally i would expect this because i drink entirely too much. all the time. but waking up after a drunken night makes me feel good in the morning.
last night was my first sober night in like 3 weeks. you would i think i would have woken up refreshed or something?


life goes back to normal after tomorrow. im not looking forward to it. but at least i wont be drinking nearly as much.

and just to throw the jealousy factor out there...
No Doubt was AMAZING. we were in the pit an maybe 10 people away from the stage. it was the best concert i have ever been to.

i have been in such a fantastic mood. everything was going right! i bought my plane tickets and made all the money i needed to pay my bills so i could start saving for a camera and to spend and have for my bills when i come back. wonderful boy may be visiting. (not getting my hopes up completely just crossing my fingers) i get to go to fenway on the 4th of july for the first time ever. just everything was working out. even old friends are coming back in contact and visiting me.

then out of no where, i run over a cat and my car dies.

WHAT THE HELL.

it was all working out. for once in my life i had high hopes.
i cant let this bring me down completely it just means i have to work my ass off for the next month until my vacation and work a million times harder when i come back.

hanging out with you again has brought out the old me.
the me that i loved and hated all at once because im afraid of being that way but i enjoy it so much.

2 in 3 days. oops.
its ok. what the hell else do i have to do anyway? ive had fun and plan to continue.

although that was awful of me and i would like to apologize to everyone again thats involved.
i keep saying "thats not like me.. i dont do that.. it was a mistake"
that totally is me, i have done it before, it wasn completely a mistake.

bitch ass. yup.

my mom had surgery today.
at this exact moment im sitting in the waiting room. i want her to wake up so i can go see her.
i didnt think i would freak out as much as i did.
when they wheeled her out of the room i immediately walked to the bathroom and cried.
i never cry anymore. ever. and idont like people to see me cry when i do so i gathered myself and went out to the waiting room.
i couldnt sit still i couldnt eat i couldnt think.
i got up to wander around the hospital. when i stepped onto the elevatoer with the family of a 20-something year old going into surgery i felt my eyes well again.
no.. it wasnt major surgery but my mom being in pain is nothing i have ever seen before. and she IS my mother after all. she means the world to me.

and lucky me.. this runs in my family. my aunt, gramma, greatgramma, my mother, and i guess others have all had to have a hysterectomy and had problems with all that crap.

it causes infertility the older you get.
i dont plan on having kids any time soon but if i dont i never will.
what a wonderful life i have ahead of me. ugh.
not.

Today is one of those days
The ones where I look at myself and want to throw up.
I'm not as pretty as I was.
Yes, I have lost weight but I'm only down to what I was a few years ago
Bigger than I was when I was made fun of for being fat.
I'm never going to be skinny and I'm never going to have that face again.

I have been so modest and I tell everyone I am so beautiful and whatever
I have always meant it but today I just don't see it
Ugh. Fuck, man.

BAHAHA who am i trying to kid.

its all a joke. all getting my hopes up all over again. i cant feel for anyone especially not for someone so far away.
im not upset about it. more relieved that i havent broken my role of being against relationships.

i was in a fink yesterday. big time. because in all reality my trip in june is more of a hope or dream. coming up with money will be the hardest thing ever. i already work nearly every day. there isnt much i can do. i still have to buy stuff for the wedding and ots just getting tough.

maybe ill ask for the tickets as my birthday present?

who knows.

im happy today.

i look at the writers block suggestion every day and i never respond to them. just think about them. today it had me reading so far into the past. "what was your first journal entry about?" well conidering the face that i have had 2 (or maybe 3) journals i went back to the very begining. to the time of "freakaroo" i started it in december of 2003 (5 months after moving to florida) so im pretty sure you can imagine the things i wrote about. yes, you got it, my depression. how mad i was at my life for having to move so far away but the happiness i still held because my friends kept in close contact with me. i used to spend 7 hours at a time on the phone with one person and hang up to call the next right away.
it was a time when i was still visiting home several times a year-- and now im lucky if i visit once in 2 years.
the wondes of being 15. when you realize the whole world is full of bullshit and you honestly believe the world is against you. i was a total emotional wreck (aas every teenager is) but i had the added stress of starting over. the pain that a normal kid felt nearly trippled in my already broken spirit.

now a days i may still be broken in many ways thay i try not to express as much as i did but its still hurt. i see past it all and try to hold my life together on my own and i find ways to smile through it.
as i read on i fall into my new journal. december of 2005. its christmas eve and i just had a wonderful time with my family.
wonderful time with my family? those are words i no longer put together so casually.
just SEEING someone or hearing their voice is the best i get anymore.no more phone calls no more gifts no more i loveyous. time has changed so drastically. its ben almost 6 years now since i have lived here and i cant keep trac of myself anymore. i would love to go back to being blind to my familys hatred and back to being a child. yes, i know. im 20. 20 is still a child in my eyes but its also when you figure out all the hidden meanings for your emotions.

you can imagine the things i reread today while searching through my archive. a time of "love" and loss and pain and happiness. all the reasons i am who i am today taken down into words and feelings and emotions. yes, it was all mybitching and things that are hard to go back and read but without it i would forget my life. i have hand written journals that contain o much more.







im tired of growing up. im tired of hurting. i want to start over with a life that wont scar me so much. a family that loves me and friends that i will always hold.
yes i am happyier than i was but this isnt the lie for me. its not fair.


im done rambling. for now.

im ridiculously stressed out right now.,

i forgot my birthday is so close to a holiday so plane tickets are retardedly expensive. im so over this. i just want to go on a fucking vacation without stressing the whole time im there,

igihghehrgherhghneirnhghnerg




p.s.
Dear Pattio, Eilees, Vicky, Caiti, Blaise, and any other friends that read this.
i miss you. one hell of a god damned lot. in retarded amunts lately. more than ever,
i want to see you all! WAAAHHHHHH!









p.s.s
you dont read this but you make me smile. more than anyone has in a long time. i cant wait to see you. hopefully soon., <3

I haven't felt like this toward a boy in a long long long time.
I wish the circumstances didn't suck so much.
Just my luck. The best thing that has happened to me in forever
Is also the worst.
Probably for the best.
Ill most likely push him away the same way I push everone else
Not that he can get any farther!
Ugh.
Ef em el.

So many weird things have been happening lately and I am having troubles stomaching it.
My dad called this morning. He made the effort to call me and catch up.

Its so weird. I just feel like crying because I can't process this all.
Ugh.